


Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat

by itislacey



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Soulmate AU, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers, alcohol use/mention, slight depression, thoughts/mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8900833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itislacey/pseuds/itislacey
Summary: A year after the death of his parents, Dan finds that the only reason he's able to get up in the mornings is because of the ring on his finger - the one that beats to the rhythm of his soulmate's heart. Soon enough, Dan finds another reason to wake up in the mornings. And he supposes that's due to a kind stranger who keeps invading his thoughts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote one soulmate au before, and it was a piece of shit. So here's another one, which is a polished piece of shit, but hopefully it's a lot better than the last. Feel free to let me know if you enjoyed! Or didn't.

Dan was  _ tired.  _

As he sat upon the roof to the carpark, downing his last bottle of beer, he just wanted it to all be over. To let his eyes slip closed, the darkness welcoming him with open arms. 

He took the final swig, and chucked the glass bottle forward, listening to his crash into the earth with a shattering noise.

“That could be my bones,” he muttered to himself, letting the tears stream silently from his eyes. They were cold against his cheeks, almost freezing as they reached his chin and dripped off. 

Yes, Dan was tired. But he would never slip too far. No matter how many times he begged God, no matter how many times he looked up at the night sky, and wished to be among the stars. Because deep down, there was  _ someone  _ who would be sad to see him go. Even if they didn’t know him.

Dan glanced at the ring he took off an hour ago, and carefully picked it back up to study. It was solid black, save for the thin, green line that carefully ran up and down in the rhythm of his soulmate’s heartbeat. That tiny object was the only thing that kept Dan grounded. Because he knew, that one day, if he were to ever fall to the earth and feel his bones shatter, that his soulmate would not only feel it too, but see the green line of their own ring fall flat and quit pulsing with every beat of Dan’s heart. 

Because although Dan didn’t know them, and they didn’t know him, Dan could never be so selfish as to take away their chance at happiness. And Dan could never take away a chance at his own, either. Even if he didn’t think it would come around anytime soon.

He slid the ring back on his left hand, not for himself, but for his soulmate.

_ In case they worry,  _ he always thought to himself.  _ In case they wonder where I went.  _

There was a difference when being dead with the ring on, versus taking it off. When dead, the line of your heartbeat is still there, only it’s a solid line that never moves. A flatline. But when you take it off, the line just fades, and the ring is black. Normal. 

“There,” Dan whispered, as if the person with the other ring could hear him. “I’m okay.” He smiled at the ring, feeling it pulse with every beat of his partner’s heart. Dan wiped away his tears, taking one last look at the sky before heading back to his one bedroom flat, hoping that maybe someday soon, he wouldn’t feel like this any longer. That maybe his happiness was one less heartbeat away.

♡

Most days, the only thing that got Dan out of his bed  _ was  _ the steady pulsing of the ring on his finger. It worked most of the time, but there were also many days that it did nothing for him. Today, however, he was feeling particularly okay, and managed to drag himself out of bed. If his soulmate could do it everyday, Dan could too. 

Dan opened his fridge, reaching for the milk to have with his cereal. As he did so, his hand brushed the last bottle of alcohol he had. It was cold, taunting, ready to be drunk. But even Dan wasn’t sad enough to begin day drinking. No, he only waited until nighttime, when he could be alone and no one could see him cry and waste away. 

Ignoring the bottle, he pulled out the milk, quickly pouring it into his bowl and putting it back, heading over to the couch to eat in silence. He used to watch the TV while he ate, but nothing seemed to interest him anymore. 

_ It would be much better if I had someone to watch it with,  _ he often thought. Someone to talk theories with and give opinions to. Someone to tell him his ships were terrible or absolutely agreeable. He used to have friends that did those kinds of things with him, up until they found more fun people to be around. But Dan never blamed them. He had been sad and broken since his parents died last year. And no one wants to hang around someone that lonely. 

There was a pounding on his door, and he jumped at the bang, nearly spilling his bowl of cereal on his lap. He set it on his coffee table, trudging over to the front door to look through the peephole. 

Dan opened the door, being greeted by his neighbor, Louise. 

“Hi, Dan,” she said. 

“Hey,” he greeted, looking down the hall for anyone else. “What’s up?”

“I was just seeing if you made it home alright.” She looked him over, almost as if she were looking for any bumps or scratches on his skin. Dan wouldn’t exactly call them friends, but she checked up on him every so often to make sure he was doing okay.

“I’m okay,” he said, meaning only just a little. Today was one of the better days. 

Louise nodded gently, still keeping the same, sad smile on her lips. “Other than me checking up on you after a night out, I was wondering if you would go somewhere with me today.” 

Dan raised one brow, unsure of what she was doing. “Um, where?”  _ And why,  _ he wanted to add.

“There’s someplace I want to show you. It’s not far, and I think it’s much better than that carpark you like to visit.” Louise knew of Dan’s late night whereabouts, and he was okay with just her knowing. In the event that he were to slip too far on accident or something. At least one person would know where to find him. 

Dan said nothing. He didn’t want to go anywhere, but he didn’t want to tell her no, either. She was just trying to be kind. “Okay,” he finally said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “When do you want to go?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” she replied. “Just come knock on my door when you are, okay?” 

“Okay,” Dan agreed, waiting until Louise headed back to her own place to shut the door. He didn’t understand  _ why  _ she was trying to do anything for him. Like he said, they were only neighbors. 

He finished his bowl of cereal and grabbed a quick shower. His hair dried rather quickly, so he ran a straightener through it before putting on a black jumper and a pair of skinny jeans. Everything about him screamed  _ sad!  _ From his facial expression to his clothes, anyone could tell how he was feeling with a quick glance. 

It was maybe an hour later when he rapped lightly on Louise’s door, hoping maybe she wouldn’t hear and he could go back home, but those plans quickly dissipated when she swung open the door seconds later, wearing a coat and holding a purse in her hands.

“Ready?” she asked, smiling brightly at him.

“I guess.” 

“Great!” She shut the door and locked it, gesturing for him to follow her down the hall. They took the lift to the lobby, which was always quite deserted, and walked out through the front doors, the cold, winter air rolling across their skin. Dan shivered, all too familiar with this feeling. 

Louise wasted no time heading across the street, Dan in tow. He wanted to ask her multiple times where they were going, but he bit his tongue. Something told him she wasn’t going to tell. Not until they were there or at least close.

Wherever they were heading, it was only a few blocks away, maybe just a tad bit further than the car park. Dan supposed if he liked this place enough, he would start coming here instead of that cement tower. Hopefully this place would have heating.

Louise stopped suddenly, Dan almost slamming into her. “Here we are,” she said, looking at the tiny building in front of her. It barely fit between two larger ones, and it didn’t even seem uninhabitable. 

“Uh, what is it?” 

“Why don’t you go inside and have a look?” 

“It doesn’t look very safe,” Dan admitted.

Louise snorted softly. “But getting wasted at the top of a car park every night is?” 

Dan supposed she had a point, but still. He didn’t like talking about how he spent a majority of his nights. It wasn’t something he was proud of by any means. “Okay,” he breathed, his breath visible in the gray air. He walked forward, opening the rusty door and stepping inside. 

The place was small, similar to the outside of it. The lighting was dark, and there were murmurs here and there, but not loud enough to make out full conversations. 

“Hello,” a woman greeted softly. Brown curls tumbled over her shoulders, and her brown eyes were quite welcoming. “Have you been here before?”

“No, actually,” he said quietly, too afraid to speak any louder. This was a place of . . . relaxing, it seemed. Soft music played overhead, mixing in with the murmurs of people. “I’m . . . not even sure what this place is.” 

“Ah, a friend send you here?” 

Dan glanced over at her. “Something like that.”

“Very well,” she said. “Follow me.” 

Dan did as he was told, only taking a few steps forward to where the woman took him. She opened a small door, gesturing for Dan to sit on the cushioned bench. 

“Um . . .”

“It’s alright, I promise. If you feel overwhelmed or want to leave, the door just swings right open.” 

“But what am I doing?” Dan asked, feeling his heart rate spike. He did his best to calm it, not wanting his soulmate - whoever it was - to worry. He just wasn’t a fan of the unknown. 

The woman chuckled. “It’s quite simple. You have a seat there,” she pointed, “and on the other other side of the wall, there’s a person. They can’t see you or anything, but they can hear you.” 

“So this is a confession.” 

“Yes and no. You tell them anything you want. Things that are bothering you, things that aren’t. They’re here to listen. Everyone deserves someone who will listen. And sometimes, a stranger is better than a friend or your own flesh and blood.”

Dan sighed lightly. If he wanted to confess anything, then he would call an anonymous hotline or something. Why did Louise bring him  _ here?  _ She could have offered up herself.

_ Unless, of course, she doesn’t give a shit. _

“Why don’t you at least try it?” the woman said. “No one will keep you against your will. Sometimes once you say things, you feel a lot better. It’s just making it past that first hurdle.” 

Dan knew she was probably right, so he sat down on the bench, which  _ was  _ quite soft.

“Perfect. If you’re unsatisfied with your service, please let me know before you leave. Remember, no one is pressuring you into saying anything or staying.” 

Dan nodded, and the woman closed the door, leaving him to sit in a small cubicle with only a dark blue light to illuminate it. He clenched his fist, feeling his soulmate’s pulse. He could do this. He could say at least one thing that’s been on his mind. 

“Hello?” a smooth voice said. 

Dan gulped, forcing his tongue to form words. “Hi,” he squeaked, feeling his cheeks heat up. God, he couldn’t even greet someone without being all embarrassing. 

“Hey,” the man said again. “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” 

Dan shook his head, only then realizing the man on the other side of the wall couldn’t see him. He forced himself to take deep breaths and calm his heart. “Not . . . really.”

“That’s okay,” the man said. “Not everyone is ready to say what they want. Take as much time as you need. I’m here whenever you’re ready.” 

“Really?” Dan said, his voice cracking with disbelief. 

“Of course.” 

The corner of Dan’s lip twitched involuntarily. “What if I wanted to stay until three in the morning?”

“Then I’ll stay, too.” 

Dan didn’t quite believe him, but at the same time, his voice was calm and collected, sounding as if he was only telling the truth. “Don’t worry. I won’t stay here that late.” 

“It’s okay if you do,” the man said. “I’m usually here all night long. I don’t usually take afternoon shifts, but I was free today.” 

Dan was quiet for a minute, staring at at the ring on his finger. “Do you ever talk about your problems, or do you just listen?” 

“I do both,” he replied. “Mostly listen. I really only have one problem that concerns me, but I only talk about it when it really starts to get to me.” 

“Can I . . . Can I ask what it is?” Dan thought that maybe if the other guy would confess something, then he could conjure up the courage within himself to confess something, too. 

He heard the man sigh, and could almost  _ feel  _ the smirk on his lips. “Sometimes I worry about my soulmate. I mean, it’s normal to worry, but . . . I’m not sure if they have heart problems or what, but . . . they worry me. Often times their beat is slow, and other times it’s way too fast. I have no idea what causes their heart rate to spike like that, but it worries me. I wish I knew who they were so I could make sure they were okay.” 

Dan let out a small breath. “I don’t . . . I don’t worry about my soulmate, but I worry that they worry about me.” 

The man on the other side of the wall chuckled, but not in a mocking way. “That’s an odd thing to worry about. Do you not want them to worry about you?” 

“No, that’s not - that’s not it. I just . . . I take my ring off a lot, and I know it doesn’t flatline or whatever, but I hope they don’t think I’m doing it to scare them. I just . . .” Dan got quiet then, unsure of how to continue. But the man didn’t speak. Didn’t ask him to go on. He was giving Dan his own time to think about it, and speak when he was ready.

Dan looked at the ring again, watching the steady rise and fall of the line. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen the ring without the heartbeat. His soulmate never took it off. 

After a while, Dan was ready to speak again. “I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s worry. Everyone who has worried about me . . . they just . . . leave. I guess they worry too much and it affects their personal lives, so they just shove me out altogether.”  _ Because I’m not important enough to care about.  _

“I don’t think your soulmate would do that to you,” he said to Dan softly. “If people shove you out of their lives, then good riddance. They weren’t good enough to be your friend anyway.” 

“Thanks,” Dan said, feeling his throat close up. He was holding back tears. It was too early to cry. He couldn’t do this now, next to some stranger. No one could see him cry. They weren’t allowed.

Dan brought his left hand up to his face, letting his lips rest against the surface of his ring. The steady  _ thump thump, thump thump  _ of a heartbeat relaxed him, causing him to lean down in his seat a bit. He let his eyes slip closed, and out of nowhere, he said, “Is it weird that, even though I don’t know my soulmate, they’re still able to comfort me with just the beat of their heart?” He almost regretted saying that as soon as the words rolled off his tongue, but he was curious to hear what the man had to say.

“Not at all. They’re soulmates for a reason. I’m happy when my ring is at a steady pulse, because I know my soulmate is content. And that’s all I want for them.” 

“I wish I knew who they were,” Dan whispered. “Sometimes I wonder if my life would be any better if I did, but . . .” 

“Why is your life bad now . . .” he trailed off as if he were waiting for Dan to say his name. But Dan never did.

“I’m just . . .  I’m so  _ sad,”  _ Dan said, the dam in his heart finally cracking just a bit. He knew he was sad. He felt it everyday. But to tell someone else he was sad? It felt different. Relieving, almost. Then again, he supposed this is what this place was for. Confessing things. “My parents are dead. Both of them. They were taken away from me and it’s just . . . it’s not  _ fair.  _ I want them back. I’d do anything to have them back.” Tears streamed down his face. “I think most people know that,” Dan continued, “but what they don’t know, is that every night I sit on top of the car park a few blocks from here, and think about dying. Because if I die, the pain will stop. I’ll see my parents again. Hopefully. And if I don’t, then at least I’ll just be erased from existence and I don’t have to feel like this anymore.” 

Dan gave the man on the other side of the wall no time to respond. He barreled on, finding it rather hard to stop now. “But I won’t do it. I’m too scared. Not only that, but I couldn’t imagine what it would do to my soulmate to just see the line on their ring go flat. I can’t take away their potential happiness. And I suppose I can’t take away mine, either.” 

It seemed the man had nothing to say to that, so Dan zipped up his jacket and bolted out of the cubicle. He barely paid any attention to the guy with black hair who seemed to be rushing past him, and he paid no attention to the girl behind the desk as he plowed through the front door, letting the cold air freeze his tears.

Before going home, Dan stopped by the gas station a block from his flat, and bought a six pack. A few hours ago, he told himself he wouldn’t start day drinking. But a few hours later, he decided he might as well.

♡

By nighttime, Dan was trashed. He didn’t usually succumb to the effects of alcohol, but after downing so many so quickly, plus the extra one he found in his fridge, he decided he might as well give in. Most people drank to get rid of their pain. And man, was Dan not feeling a single bit of it. For once in the past year, he felt  _ free.  _ The sadness only weighed him down. But tonight, it was gone. And he couldn’t have asked for anything better.

Dan found his way to the car park at roughly one in the morning, and stood not too far from the edge. He looked down, seeing the glint of bottles he’s thrown down. It’s not as if the glass was causing any harm. The car park was right next door to some old, abandoned shop, and only the homeless and drunk wandered down that alleyway. 

“What are you doing up here?” a voice asked, causing Dan to jump.

“Christ,” Dan muttered. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” His words were a bit slurred. Not that he noticed. 

“Again, what are you doing up here?” The man stepped forward, and Dan got a somewhat better look at him. The moon caught his dark hair just right, making it shine. From what Dan could tell, the man was thin and had some pretty pale skin. Perhaps he only wandered around at night like Dan did.

Dan rolled his eyes, turning back around. “Go away. I’m not going to jump, if that’s what’s got you worried.” Suddenly, Dan could feel the ring on his finger pulse a little harder, and that’s when he noticed the line jumping up and down quickly. He hoped his soulmate was alright. 

“Then why are you up here, if you aren’t going to jump?” the man asked.

Dan closed his eyes, feeling some sort of familiarity in his voice. Dan didn’t know this man, that much he knew, but there was just something about him . . . “I’m just stargazing and feeling free.” 

“It’s pretty cold out here. Why don’t you go home? Go to bed?” 

“I could say the same to you,” Dan said, scrunching up his nose.

“Okay,” the man said, stepping forward so he was side by side with Dan. “I will go home and go to bed, only if you do the same.”

Dan raised one brow. “How will I know you actually went home and went to bed?” Now that he was closer, Dan could see that he had blue eyes. There were actually really pretty, and Dan could only imagine what they looked like in daylight. Too bad he’d probably never find out.

The man chuckled. “Take my word for it. I wouldn't lie to you.”

“You have no reason not to.” 

The man pursed his lips in a pout. “You’re a stubborn one, yeah?”

Dan simply shrugged. He let out a heavy sigh, glancing down at his ring. The pulse seemed to be steady now, and Dan was grateful. His soulmate was okay.

“What’s your name?” he asked Dan.

“Daniel. But my fr -  _ old  _ friends - called me Dan.”

“Dan. Well, I’m Phil.” He held out his hand for Dan to shake, and he accepted it with a firm grip. He might be a tad bit wasted, but his manners weren’t out the window just yet. “So, how about it? We both go home, and we both go to bed.”

“I can lie, you know,” Dan said, looking at the moon. “I can say I’m going home and then actually don’t.” 

“But will you?” Phil asked, arching one brow.

Dan sighed in defeat. “No. I’m many things, but a liar isn’t one of them.” 

Phil smiled at him, and damn, did Dan like it. He felt his heart flutter, and Phil looked down at his ring at the same time. 

“Something wrong?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “Honestly? There’s no telling. My soulmate is a bit of a wildcard. Their heart rate is always changing.” 

“Maybe they’re just an emotional person,” Dan slurred, taking one step forward and nearly falling. Phil caught him before he could smack his face on the cement. “Shit. Thanks.”

“Yeah, you need to go home. Where do you live? I can take you there.” 

“I’m fine, Phil. I don’t need a babysitter.” 

Phil snorted. “I never said I was going to watch you. I just said I was going to take you home.” 

“I don’t consent,” Dan joked, but Phil didn’t seem to find it funny. Instead, Dan was greeted with a deep frown. And for whatever reason, Dan felt a little disappointed. “I live just off the main.”

Phil nodded, grabbing Dan’s wrist and hauling him along. They took the lift to the bottom, Phil saying something about how Dan probably couldn’t handle fifteen flights of stairs when he could barely handle a flat surface. Dan acted like that was rude of him to say, but truthfully, he knew Phil was right. 

They were almost to Dan’s apartment building, when suddenly he asked Phil, “Why were you on top of the car park?” 

Phil stopped, but quickly continued walking. “Uh, I saw you up there from the ground and wanted to check and see if you were okay.” 

Dan laughed to himself. “Okay,” he muttered. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, pulling Dan into the warm lobby of the apartment. They were alone, which was expected for a building as dead as this one. Dan was often convinced it was only him and Louise who lived here. And the dog downstairs.

“I drink to forget. I’m on the verge of being an alcoholic at the ripe age of twenty-five, I’ve been alone for the past year, no one wants me. There’s a whole list of why I’m an awful human being, but I won’t give you the details now. I’m only alive because the heartbeat on my ring finger reminds me that someday, I’m going to find the reason worth living for.” 

Phil looked at him, Dan recognizing the look of sadness in his eyes. “Dan,” he said quietly. “You are wanted, okay? Maybe you haven’t found someone willing, but you will find someone, someday. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.” 

“I can keep this one,” Phil said, smiling at Dan. “Because  _ I  _ am perfectly willing to be there for you if you want me.”

Dan looked at him blankly. “I want you to be around because you  _ want  _ to be, Phil. Not because you feel like you should be. How about we both part ways, and if I really need someone, I’ll seek you out. I’m sure it’s not that difficult.” Truthfully, Dan had no intention of looking for this man again. He didn’t want him to hang around because he felt like he needed to be, nor did Dan want to bother him with his sad life. Phil seemed like a happy guy. Dan wasn’t willing to tear that down. 

Phil looked a little skeptical, but nodded anyways. “Alright, fine. My last name is Lester, by the way. In case you ever wanted to search me up.”

_ Phil Lester.  _ Dan liked the ring of it, for whatever reason. “Mine’s Howell.” Not that Phil needed to know, but Dan thought he should at least offer his in return. Just so Phil wouldn’t seem too suspicious of him if it ever came down to it.

“See you around, Dan Howell.” 

“Bye, Phil Lester.” 

Dan watched Phil leave his apartment building, a small part of him wishing that he would have stayed. Dan couldn’t explain the odd feeling in his chest, but he knew it had something to do with his heart. And funnily enough, it was in the same rhythm as his soulmate’s. With every beat of his own heart, he could feel the ring pound lightly on his finger. And for a second, he wondered if soulmates shared the same heart, and that’s what made them perfect for each other.

♡

A few days had passed, and Dan never did look out for Phil. There were time when he wished he would, just so he could have someone other than Louise to talk to, but he knew he didn’t want to bother Phil with his dread. 

What Dan had done, however, was type Phil’s name into Google to see what came up. He wasn’t expecting much, really. Phil seemed like the kind of guy who lived an average life, no offense. So when Dan saw that the first result was for a popular blog page called  _ Lester’s Lights,  _ he was a bit shocked. 

Dan immediately clicked on it, going to the about page first before seeing what the blog was about, just to be sure this was the same guy he talked to a few days ago. Lo and behold, it was the same man with the black fringe.

_ Hello! And welcome to my blog! In case you were wondering, no, this blog page isn’t about lights. I called it that because, one, every domain name ever was taken, and two, when I get ideas, it’s like a “light bulb” moment. So the light is over my head, and my last name’s Lester, so, yeah, it sounds cool.  _

Dan snorted - actually  _ snorted -  _ from Phil’s explanation. He seemed like a bit of a dork. And Dan sort of like it.

_ Here you will find reviews of various places and things, mostly found on the internet. You’ll also read about snippets of my life if that interests you, because sometimes, we all need a little emotional outlet. _

Funny. Maybe Phil needed to be told of the place a few blocks down from Dan. He later found out the place was called  _ Quiet Talk,  _ which seemed quite fitting for it.

Dan was also surprised to see just how popular his blog was. It had loads of interactions, all varying from comments to likes. Maybe if Dan were into stuff like this, he could find a similar job to do from home. Maybe he should ask Phil about it. 

Maybe.

He closed the laptop, deciding that maybe he should go back to  _ Quiet Talk  _ and get some more things off his chest. He had been feeling alright these past few days, and he assumed it was because there was only one thing on his mind. Or rather, one person. It helped, really. Having something else to think about. Instead of his thoughts drifting to his parents, he thought about Phil. Yeah, he might have only talked to him once, when he was drunk no less, but there was just something about him, something unexplainable, that Dan couldn’t stop thinking about. Perhaps it was the way his heart fluttered after he said goodbye.

Grabbing a light coat, Dan left his apartment and walked the few blocks it took to get to  _ Quiet Talk.  _ He wanted to tell someone about Phil. 

Once he got to the quiet building, he immediately went to the first cubicle the lady took him to a few days ago, and hoped it would be the same man as last time. 

“Hello,” a deep voice said, and Dan instantly recognized it. It  _ was  _ the same guy as last time, only tonight, he sounded a little more familiar. But Dan couldn’t quite place his finger on it. “Have something you want to talk about?” 

Dan took a deep breath. “Yeah, actually. I think there is.” 

“Have at it. I’m listening.” 

“Well . . .” Where to begin? He didn’t just want to launch into some conversation about a stranger who's been on his mind nearly all week. So he started with the source of it. “You know everyone has the rings of their soulmate’s heartbeat . . .”

“I do,” the man said, a slight chuckle in his voice.

“How do you know when you’ve actually met them?”

Dan was greeted by a lengthy silence. He wondered if maybe he had said something wrong, and was about to leave when the man said, “Why? Do you think you’ve met them?”

“I’m not sure,” Dan said, letting out a breath. He didn’t scare the man off. Good. “I just . . . I met someone the other day, and here lately, I can’t keep him off my mind. Every time I think about him, my heart flutters just a tad. I’ve only spoken to him once, when I was sort of trashed, but I remember him clear as day.” 

“Hmm. Well, I haven’t met my soulmate either, but I’ve always been told you kind of know. I used to ask my mum how I would just  _ know,  _ and she would tell me that the hearts beat in sync most times, and when you look at each other, you just know that’s them. That’s the one.” 

Dan paused, looking down at the ring on his finger. It beat steadily, unlike his heart at the moment. Maybe he hadn’t met his soulmate yet. A part of him thought that maybe Phil would be it, but now, he wasn’t so sure. “Have you ever felt like you met them, and maybe weren’t sure of it?”

“Oh, yes, plenty of times,” the man replied. “Especially recently. I met this guy the other day . . . He was so pretty. I wanted to stare into his eyes all night long, but I don’t think he was willing.” As the man spoke to him, Dan could almost hear the smile on his lips as he talked about him. How nice it must be, for someone to praise you while the other wasn’t even around. “I was hoping to see him again, but alas, I don’t think I will.” 

“Why don’t you reach out to him?” Dan asked, forgetting why he was even talking to this guy in the first place. He felt more like the listener than the talker, but he was quite fine with that. He thought he could listen to this man all night long. His voice was calm and welcoming. It was like home. A place Dan hadn’t been to in a long time.

“I’d love to,” he said, “but I don’t want to startle him. He seemed lost and upset, and the last thing I want to do is push him further away. I thought he might have reached out to me again, after I offered him some company.”

“And he didn’t?”

“Nope. But I won’t give up on him. In fact, I think I’ll check up with him tomorrow. See if he’s doing alright.” 

This man reminded Dan of Louise. She would check up on him, just to see if he was alright. Dan would tell her not to bother, and either she saw right through his lies or knew the real secret; he liked when Louise checked up on him. Having the feeling of someone caring for you, was actually a great feeling. “Do it,” Dan encouraged. “I’m sure that even though he might seem like he doesn’t want you there, he does. I do that a lot.”

“Do what?”

“Act like I don’t want company, when really it’s all I crave.” Dan was shocked with himself. He actually told someone how he felt. He couldn’t remember the last time he revealed something so . . . personal to anyone. It felt almost . . .  _ good.  _ “Well, that’s mostly it. I usually don’t want people to be around me because I feel like I’ll dampen their mood.” 

“I’m sure you wouldn’t,” the man said. “I, in fact, think you’re quite lovely to talk to.” 

Dan blushed, and tried to hide his face when he remembered that the man couldn’t see him. “Thanks. I enjoy listening to your voice, too.”

“Ah, so you’re in it for my voice, are you?” the man teased.

Dan laughed. For the second time today, he  _ laughed.  _ “Maybe. But I guess you’ll never know unless I confess.” 

“Tell me all your sins!” 

“Maybe someday,” Dan said, unaware of the wide smile stretched across his face. “One confession at a time.”

“One confession at a time,” the man murmured back, and somehow, Dan knew his face wore a similar expression. 

Maybe if Dan couldn’t find the company he craved at home, maybe he could find it here. For the first time in a year, he found someone who was worth talking to. And maybe, just maybe, a little something good could come out of confessing his inner most feelings to a complete stranger.

♡

When Dan came home last night, he felt like he was floating. He wasn’t expecting to go into the bathroom and see the dimples on his cheeks, or the crinkles around his eyes. He was used to the smooth, stony surface it always was. But now, things were different.

Ever since he left  _ Quiet Talk,  _ the ring on his finger beat to an unfamiliar rhythm. It was more upbeat than usual, and Dan was so focused on it, that he didn’t realize his heart was beating to the same tune. He was glad his soulmate was happy. And he hoped his soulmate could feel his happiness, too. 

There was a knock on his door, and he half expected it to be Louise. Or even the postman. No one else ever knocked on his door. Not unless they had a the wrong room number. But that rarely happened. 

Dan looked down at himself, realizing that it was nearing two in the afternoon and he still had on his pajamas. He grunted, figuring that whoever it was, could get over it. He walked across the short space to the door, and didn’t even bother looking through the peephole before opening it, so when he saw that it was Phil Lester, he couldn’t help but be surprised. 

“Hello, Dan,” Phil said happily, taking in Dan’s appearance. His hair was slightly wavy from the last time Phil saw him, and he wore a thin, gray t-shirt, and a pair of Pokemon pajama bottoms. “Having a lounge day?” 

“Something like that,” Dan deadpanned, feeling that familiarity in Phil’s voice. Why couldn’t he pinpoint it? It was really starting to aggravate him. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check up on you,” Phil said as if it were obvious. 

“Thanks, but that’s Louise’s job.” 

“Louise?” Phil cocked his head, his expression unreadable.

“She lives next door,” Dan told him, pointing down the hall. “She checks on me every night I go out.” He didn’t have to say to do what. 

“Oh? So has she been by today?” 

Dan shook his head. “I didn’t . . . go  _ out  _ last night.” He did, but not in the way Phil might think. He spent a good hour at  _ Quiet Talk.  _ It didn’t even seem like that long of a session. Not until he checked his phone when he walked back inside his apartment. 

“Ah, I see,” Phil said, his eyes wandering past Dan. “So I was wondering . . .”

_ Great, here we go,  _ Dan thought. “Hmm?” 

“If you would come with me.”

Dan raised one brow. “Where?” What was up with everyone wanting him to follow? First Louise, now Phil. Was everyone so secretive? 

Phil shrugged. “I figured we could decide on the way.” 

“On the way to  _ where,  _ Phil? You can’t decide where we are going to go on the way  _ there.  _ We have to know where we’re going to get there.” 

Phil chuckled lightly. “Calm down, Dan. You’re overthinking.” 

“You don’t know what I’m doing,” Dan muttered, not intending for Phil to hear him, but he managed to anyway.

“I do know what you’re doing, and it’s coming with me to the great unknown. Get dressed.” 

Dan stared at him. Did Phil really expect him to follow a guy he’s talked to  _ once,  _ to someplace unknown? Dan didn’t even  _ like  _ the unknown. But he did sort of like Phil, so he guessed that was okay. “Fine. Give me ten.” 

“Making me wait in the hall, are you?” 

Dan recognized that tone. It was teasing, but it sounded much like the guy at  _ Quiet Talk  _ last night. When they were joking about confessing sins. But surely these two weren’t the same people? What were the chances?

_ Quite a fucking lot, considering you told the guy at  _ Quiet Talk  _ where you go at night, and suddenly someone appears at the top of the car park to check on you.  _

Damn it. Why didn’t Dan connect the dots before? Phil  _ had  _ to be the same guy he talked to each night. All the signs were there. He supposed he couldn’t figure it out earlier, considering his face to face interaction with Phil was a bit fuzzy in places. But why wouldn’t Phil just tell him the truth? 

Dan decided he wasn’t going to call him out on it. In fact, he was going to have a little fun the next time he wanted to go to  _ Quiet Talk.  _

“Fine, you can come in,” Dan finally said, stepping to the side and opening the door wider. When Phil stepped inside, Dan told him, “Just don’t snoop.”

“I’m not a snoop,” Phil said defensively. 

“You seem the type.” 

“How does one seem like a snoop?” Phil asked curiously. 

“They look like you.”

Phil snorted, rolling his eyes as he plopped down on Dan’s sofa, making himself seem right at home. “Nice place you have here. Very . . . minimal.” 

“In size or decor?” Dan asked. 

“Both.” 

He wasn’t wrong. Dan didn’t have any decorations. Even if he did, space would be very minimal. The living room was connected to the kitchen, and there was only one door that led to his bedroom. The bathroom was inside his room, only one wall dividing the shower and toilet. It was a rather cheap place, which is why Dan chose it to live in.

“Well, go freshen up! The sun won’t stay up forever,” Phil said, trying to hurry Dan along.

“I don’t think England  _ has  _ a sun.” Every day was cloudier than the next. Dan wasn’t even sure of the last time he saw the sun. Even if it was out, it wouldn’t stream into his flat. He had black curtains that blocked out any sort of natural light. He preferred it that way. 

Dan went into his bedroom, turning on the straightener and finding a fresh pair of clothes as he waited for it to heat up. He settled on a black jumper and some skinny jeans, putting on his shoes with zippers for laces. He quickly ran the straightener through his wavy hair, spraying it with dry shampoo to make him look somewhat more alive.

Just thinking about spending the day with Phil made his heart flip, and he wondered if his soulmate felt it. Dan clenched his left hand, running one finger over the pulsing ring. He didn’t want to think about his soulmate today. Instead, he wanted to think about Phil. So he carefully slid it off, putting it into his pocket for the time being. 

When Dan exited his room, he noticed Phil’s scrunched up face, staring down at his own left hand. “What’s wrong?”

Phil looked up, quickly placing a smile on his face. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just my soulmate’s ring.”

Dan swallowed, suddenly curious. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, they take it off a lot, and I hate when they do that. It scares me. I know it’s not the same as a flatline, but . . . what if they never put it back on? And I’m left never knowing what happened to them?” 

Instantly, Dan felt guilty. Were these the thoughts that ran through his own soulmate’s head? He reached into his pocket, fishing out his ring and sliding it back on his finger. He heard Phil breathe out heavily, almost like he was relieved. 

“Ready to go?” he asked Dan, his mood changing back to happiness. 

“I guess.”

“Great, let’s go!” Phil grabbed Dan’s wrist, yanking him across the room and out the door. His hand didn’t leave Dan’s wrist until they got to the lift, taking it down to the lobby. “So, do you like coffee?”

Dan shrugged. “I’m more of a hot chocolate kind of guy.” He almost replaced “hot chocolate” with “alcohol” but figured that would result in a frowning Phil. And Dan did not want to see him frown.  

“Okay, well, there’s this place right down the road. It’s a bakery, and they sell all kinds of warm goods. Are you interested?” 

Dan nodded. “Sounds good.” 

They walked in silence to the bakery, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. In fact, Dan was pretty content with just Phil’s presence, and he couldn’t explain why. This was only their second interaction. Well, maybe not. Not if he counted those times at  _ Quiet Talk.  _ Dan knew it was Phil who spoke to him behind that wall. He could hear it every time Phil opened his mouth. 

“Hey, Phil?” Dan asked, gaining a quick burst of courage. 

“Yes?”

“Where do you work?” He didn’t expect Phil to just outright say  _ Oh, I work at  _ Quiet Talk, _ that little place down the road where you often come and talk to me.  _ But he hoped Phil would give him some sort of hint to confirm what he already knew.

“That’s a random question,” Phil said instead, offering him a wry smile. “But I do a few things, actually. I run a blog, review products and test them, and I also work at a place a few blocks from here.”

“And what place is that?” Dan clenched his fist, feeling the ring on his finger rise is speed. His soulmate was scared. Or nervous. Sort of like the way Phil looked now. 

Phil grinned almost wickedly. “Trying to stalk me, Howell?” 

“No, I just - I was - I’m curious,” he sputtered. 

Phil laughed, patting Dan on the shoulder. “I’m joking. Oh, look. We’re here!” Phil grabbed Dan’s wrist again, yanking him through a throng of people and into the shop. 

The atmosphere was warm and welcoming. It smelled of brewed coffee and fresh muffins. Dan wasn’t a fan of the first, but even he would admit it smelled delicious. 

“Grab us a seat and I’ll go order.” 

“Here,” Dan said, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. He didn’t have a lot of funds, but he could manage a cup of cocoa.

“No, it’s fine. On me today.”

“But, Phil -”

“Nope. I’m already to faaaar,” he said, dragging out the last word as he scurried to the counter. 

Dan grumbled, yet he couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips. Phil was cute. He’d give him that. 

A few minutes later, Phil returned with a tray full of baked goods and two cups. He set one of them in front of Dan, and took the other for himself. “I got you hot chocolate. You can take any of these that you like.” He gestured to the food in front of him. “I suggest the blueberry muffin. No one else makes them like they do.” 

Dan grabbed the muffin Phil suggested, and began to pick at it. He would admit - it did taste pretty good. 

“Told you,” Phil said smugly, leaning back in his chair as he took a sip of his drink. 

Dan shook his head playfully, continuing to eat his muffin. 

“So, Dan Howell,” Phil began, “where do  _ you  _ work?” 

Dan wasn’t expecting that question, and he was reluctant to answer. He didn’t want to tell Phil that he didn’t work - that he affords his tiny flat by using all the money his parents left to him. Truthfully, he did have a job, but he got fired from it about a week ago. Which is why he found himself drinking more and more in the dead of the night. He had no family, no friends, no job. He was living a pathetic life. “I, uh . . . work from home,” he lied.

Phil raised a brow. “Really? What do you do?” 

“This and that,” Dan said vaguely, hoping Phil would get the hint and drop it.

To Dan’s luck, he did. “Ah. I enjoy working from home, but sometimes, I get a little stir crazy. That’s why I have multiple jobs. I can’t just sit at home all day.”

Funnily enough, Dan could. They were quite the opposite, really. Phil was bright and happy, Dan was dreary and sad. “Oh.”

“Are you okay, Dan?”

“I’m fine.” 

Phil looked like he didn’t believe him. “You can always talk to me.”

Yeah, Dan supposed he could. Hell, he had been for the past few days now at  _ Quiet Talk.  _ But Dan found it a whole lot easier to talk to Phil when he couldn’t see him. Perhaps it was because he didn’t have to see his sad or judging eyes. Whatever it was, Dan only seemed to be open when Phil couldn’t watch him. And it sucked. Dan wanted the confidence to confide in someone anytime he needed them. Yes, Phil had offered, but Dan felt like he was being a burden. At  _ Quiet Talk,  _ Phil was there because he  _ wanted  _ to be. Who was to say he didn’t like it when people dumped their feelings on him at random times?”

“I mean it,” Phil said when Dan didn’t speak. “Whenever you need me, I’m here.” He pushed a napkin over at Dan, which contained Phil’s phone number. “In case you rather talk when I’m not around to make you nervous.” He winked poorly, and Dan didn’t miss the hint that he dropped. “I have to go to work. If you need me . . . you know where to find me.” Phil quickly disposed of his cup and left Dan at the bakery. 

Even though Phil just left him sitting in the middle of the shop, Dan didn’t feel like he actually left him. He felt like Phil was still here. Maybe because of the number that sat before him, or from the feeling on his finger, but Dan knew Phil was more than some sort of stranger. And it only took him leaving two times to figure it out.

He ached for him. For a reason he never thought possible.

♡

Dan waited until late that night to go to  _ Quiet Talk.  _ He stood outside the door for a few minutes, mustering up the courage to go inside. He had no reason to be nervous. This wasn’t the first time he had come here to talk. Actually, he came here to mess with Phil, but Phil seemed to know that Dan had already figured it out. 

He walked inside, going to his usual cubicle, sitting down on the bench and waiting for the man - Phil - to speak. 

“Hey,” Phil said, his voice breaking a little. “Anything you want to talk about?”

Dan took a deep breath, and confidently said, “Yes.” 

“I’m listening.” 

Dan twisted the ring on his finger, feeling the steady pulse of his soulmate’s heart. “I’m not alright.” He was referring to Phil’s question earlier, and hoped he would catch on. 

“Why is that?” Phil asked gently, not pushing Dan to continue. He was waiting for him to be ready. 

“I’m . . . I’m tired of feeling like this.” Tears streamed down Dan’s face silently, dripping off his chin and hitting the ground. “I used to be in a constant state of sadness. I think I told you that. But this week . . . this week I haven’t felt . . . terrible. I finally have something else to think about other than my parents, and I never knew that it was something I needed. Not until it kept leaving me and coming back.” 

“What do you mean by that?” Phil asked. 

“There’s this man,” Dan said with a small laugh. “He’s amazing. He makes me laugh, which I haven’t done in almost a year. He actually  _ wants  _ to talk to me, too. I thought that maybe the first time I met him, it was just a fluke. But then he left. And I would come here to talk. But every time I did, I never felt like he was really  _ gone.  _ And then he came back. He made me leave the house. He asks if I’m okay, and I lie every time, but with every passing word, I feel guilty for not telling him the truth, but he doesn’t force me to tell him any different. No one has ever made me feel this way. The only person I ever wake up for is my soulmate, but I haven’t had the time to think of them lately because -” Dan stopped there. Why didn’t he think of them often anymore? 

“You have been thinking of them,” Phil barely whispered. “Just a little differently.” By that, he didn’t mean by the ring on Dan’s finger. Dan’s thoughts had drifted from the ring to the heartbeat, to the body it belonged to. He had been too busy thinking of his own sadness to realize . . . “I think you’ve found your soulmate.” 

“Have I?” Dan mostly said to himself. “How would I know for sure?” 

“You look into their eyes. You  _ really  _ look, Dan. It’s only them, and it’s only you. There is no sadness.” 

“I need to see him,” Dan said, pulling out his phone and a crumpled napkin. With shaky fingers, he typed in Phil’s number, letting it ring a few times. Phil picked up after three rings.

“Hello?”

“I need to see you. How do I see you?” 

“Just push open the door, Dan,” Phil said gently. 

Dan reached over, and pressed his palm flat against the cubicle door, letting it open with a slow creak. Phil stood on the other side, phone to his ear, smiling at Dan. 

“You know what you do now?” Phil asked, still speaking into the phone. 

“No. What?” 

“You  _ look  _ with your eyes, and feel with your heart.” 

And Dan did just that. He looked at Phil, brushing aside any other emotions he might be feeling. Once he did, he finally knew. Dan reached out to Phil, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him into the tiny space. He pressed Phil’s hand against his chest, and Dan reached out to Phil, pressing his palm against his, so they were feeling each other’s heart beats. They were in tune, beating to the same rhythm. 

“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Phil asked, smiling as he  _ still  _ held the phone to his ear. Dan had dropped his long ago, but found himself picking it back up to speak.

He closed his eyes, wanting to see only darkness as he talked to Phil. Because he was right. Sometimes it was easier to talk to people when you couldn’t see them. Dan was ready. He was ready to heal the cracks in his heart. Yes, he missed his parents dearly, but he knew this isn’t what they would want for him. And the first step in grieving for them, was to let someone else in. He was done bottling up his feelings. And if Phil, his  _ soulmate,  _ was willing to listen, then he was ready to speak.

So with a deep breath, Dan kept one hand on Phil’s chest and said into the phone, “Everything.”

“It’s a good thing we have forever,” Phil murmured, leaning forward and pressing his lips to the top of Dan’s head. “If you want me for that long?”

“I do,” Dan said, smiling as he looked up at Phil. 

“Dimples.”

“Huh?”

“You have dimples,” Phil said. “They’re cute.” 

Dan blushed, ducking his head and hiding it in Phil’s chest. He could feel Phil laughing, and he couldn’t help but smile again.

“Don’t be embarrassed. They make you look squishy.” He wrapped his arms around Dan, squeezing him tightly. “And they don’t lie.” 

Speaking of . . . “I’m sorry I lied to you, Phil.”

“It’s okay. I knew why you did it. But I want you to know that I will never judge you or think lowly of you. Ever. No matter what you face or what you do, you are mine. And it’s my job to ease your pain and make you happy. So if you’ll let me, I’d like to start now. I want to see those dimples every time I look at your face.” 

Dan giggled when Phil poked his left cheek. “Okay,” he whispered. What he didn’t tell Phil, however, was that his goal wasn’t going to be too hard to achieve. 

“Will you come back to mine?” Phil asked. “You look tired. I don’t want to leave you alone.” 

“Yeah,” Dan said. “But only if you’ll let me feel your heartbeat. It helps me fall asleep and get back up in the morning.”

“Of course,” Phil said. “You can do whatever makes you happy.” 

Dan tilted his head forward, and pressed his lips lightly against Phil’s. They were soft and gentle, just like his voice. And Dan couldn’t picture having them any other way. 

Phil pulled away, his eyes flickering over Dan’s face. “Let’s go home.” 

  
  
  



End file.
